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Welcome to the Family

Vinnie The Creep

January 15th, 2012

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For those of you who follow us regularly, thank you. For those of you who have just stumbled across this public service masterpiece I have written for you and all the other entertaining morsels of delight our artists have created for you, the reader, then welcome. For everyone else… the haters… the true believers… the good… the bad… the creeps… thank you for stopping by. This article is bigger than you or I though. This isn’t a article about how we need your support going into 2012… you already know that, I don’t need to write about that. This article is about something way more important. This article is about Underground Unheard’s new secret weapon.

Vinnie… what the fuck are you talking about? Secret weapon? Did someone slip you a left handed cigarette? No. I am talking about Underground Unheard’s newest member. He is known by many names. F-Unit. The Perfect Gentleman. The Fred. Police identify him by his colostomy bag scars. He didn’t need the surgery, he did it for fun.

He is the life of the party. He is the ruffie you were slipped at the party and don’t regret. He is that armed robbery and grand theft auto charge you do regret. He took the shot on Osama Bin Laden. He once bitch slapped The Incredible Hulk. When the Perfect Gentleman loses a girlfriend, they go to Hugh Hefner. He auditioned for the role of Rebel Without a Cause and declined the part after receiving it because he said, “acting bores me.” F- Unit has sold his soul thirty seven times. He fired Donald Trump. He told people that its acceptable to laugh when people say Clam Chowder funny. He once had a threesome with a midget and a bisexual tranny drag queen. They were twins. He was sober. The Fred has sold more albums than The Beatles and Micheal Jackson combined. He eats three Xanex with every dinner. He has a strict diet that consists of Bald Eagle, baby seal, and the breast milk from virgins, gender doesn’t matter. He can’t drive unless he drinks alcohol. He does psychedelics to stay on point. He once did brain surgery on a rocket scientist. His tears are composed of moonshine and Absinthe, but no one has ever seen him cry. 25 percent of undecided voters at presedential voting booths on election day write him in as the candidate they would want to see as president. He hates being called amazing because it isn’t good enough. He does waterboarding as his extrme sport. He competes in two barrel russian roulette tournaments. F- Unit is the grandfather of men’s men. He turns 45 every year. He caused an eclipse the day they released Twilight. He bit a vampire and turned them into a human. He bit a human and turned them into gold. This force of nature is coming to your computer screens in 2012. He will be blessing entertainment halls this 2012. Where does it take place? Two words.

Underground Unheard. Prepare to be dazzled and charmed. You will fiend for his company like a 20 year addict. Perhaps I have said too much though… Look for F- Unit’s advice column coming to the website soon. Bask in his aura. Stay warm in his glow. He gives wisdom like Buddah high on fortune cookies. All hail this Bohemoth and his enormous intelligent brain. Welcome to the family.

Fans be sure to consider your dilemmas for this guru. No question is too hard. Stay tuned with the website for his column to be posted and embrace The Fred. Viva 2012 and our secret weapon.

VTMFC

8 Comments

  1. Relik Relik says:

    This guy sounds like everybody’s hero! Can’t wait!

  2. ARron Ripper (Jimmy) says:

    Sounds more like god…If there is a god guess he would be it

  3. He is god’s brother, the fred.

  4. white says:

    God was actually jealous when he found out The Fred funnels 16 oz beers and not 12 oz.

  5. Ratrick says:

    The mistakes in The Fred’s legend come about because jesus always wished The Fred was his dad instead. Is it true that he’s 6-foot 24-inches tall?

  6. The Fred is a modest height. His height has been the subject of most modern literature. The Fred’s legend is cloaked in mystery and skeptism. Facebook wouldn’t even let the Fred have a profile because they were scared of media and fan pandemonium. He really hates his privacy so he really tries to put himself out there. He inspired the Waldo books given his active lifestyle.

  7. BIGhands says:

    He wears canoes as shoes and uses trees as q-tips.

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