Really… has it been this long.

Vinnie The Creep

February 22nd, 2012

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I noticed today that it has been over a month since you saw a new tale. The thought that followed next was, “what a piece of shit…” Where is the consistency? What the fuck has Vinnie been doing? Surely, he has some thing to tell us. Surely, he has some profound ridiculous thought to share… I do… I have packed a lot into that month of silence and separation from the tale telling arena.

For instance, I celebrated a birthday by turning nine thousand four hundred and ninety days old. Don’t worry, a big deal doesn’t have to be made about turning nine thousand four hundred and ninety days old. It only means that for just shy of nine thousand and five hundred days I managed to dodge an abortion… a fatal automobile accident, a life ending knife wound inflicted by a dirty hobo… I avoided government assassination attempts, nuclear fall out, economic disaster, cancer, aids, the plague, hep A, B, C, D, and E. I lived through 9/11 and through a marathon of Finding Bigfoot. I got the two confused once and said, ” smells like a squatch under those towers…” I slipped pass snake bites, falling down stairs, choking on vomit, and death through autoasphyxia. With all that and more on your plate to start your morning, if you wake up to start your morning, maybe turning nine thousand and five hundred days old is something to celebrate.

When you say twenty six years old, it isn’t nearly as impressive as nine thousand and five hundred days old. Counting life in days makes you seem wise, even if you are three thousand six hundred and fifty days old. Turning twenty six years old is like turning twenty seven years old… nobody gives a shit. You lump all of those days of your life into one big year and when you get to a certain point people just expect you to say, ” Fuck it. I only turned thirty five. No big deal.” I call bullshit. We don’t live year to year; we live day to day. It is important to recognize the fragile balance in which life hangs. Not everyone can die in their sleep, that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun. Our days are riddled with tons of danger and that doesn’t include the free will of the other psychopaths in our environment, so at the end of the day, I prefer days old.

“The crew” has been getting amped up for the tour. Bobby White and Relik have donated much of their precious time to bring this latest extravaganza to your senses. You might have seen the show flyer with yours truly on the homepage… you might not have seen it if you are retarded. If you are retarded, the Internet might not be the safest place for you… after all, net is in the word and you might get tangled. Now you are saying, ” Vinnie, if I had a choice between seeing the new, Pentagon funded recruitment video, Act of Valor movie or going to the entertainment spectacle known as Underground Unheard, which one should I do?” First, I would point out that economically speaking our show is a better value than Act of Valor sliding in two dollars cheaper than most traditional movie theaters. Second, while you are getting pumped up on Navy Seals vanquishing terrorism with 50 Excalibar, that high is only going to last for an hour and a half maybe two hours. Our shows last in upwards of three to four hours. Try sitting through a four hour movie. Thirdly, if you are even questioning whether you should see that movie or any movie on the day we come to your town to perform, chances are you don’t belong at our show.

I have been developing material for the upcoming show. That sounds sophisticated doesn’t it? I have been developing material for you, my audience, for an upcoming show featuring my developments… What that really means is, I have been thinking. I have been doing something that I can’t stop. Imagination. What a super fucking intense aspect of life. Imagination. If you can imagine it; it can happen. Look at how far women have come… did you know they can vote? That took imagination. Who would have thought that someone could cross an ocean, landing in a place they didn’t intend, settle the land, and in the process wipe out the people who were there originally? That takes imagination! Imagination is convincing two hundred and fifty million people that the way they elect presidents is the most logical way to conduct politics. Imagination is responsible for every orgasm achieved during masturbation. Imagination is incredible, wouldn’t you agree? 

I don’t know… I can’t be consistent. It isn’t in my nature. Don’t think for an entire month that I ignored my duties to you folks. Some days you can sit and type a sentence and delete it. You repeat that several times and there was your session for the day. Throw all those things that can kill you everyday, setting up for a show, working for the man, being married, having animals, and the unknown “joys” of life into the mix and you are volunteering for a busy day. So rest assured my friends, I never forget about you. Insert reassuring wink. I enjoy our relationship. Insert reassuring thumbs up. As always, it was a pleasure. I don’t know when we will meet again but we will meet. Until then, sweet dreams dear reader.   



  1. White says:

    bahaha LOVE THIS: “you might not have seen it if you are retarded. If you are retarded, the Internet might not be the safest place for you… “

  2. Relik Relik says:

    2 more weeks…I can’t wait!

  3. f-unit says:

    the creepster….has proven that the air he breaths is not a waste of oxygen, that he serves a purpose in the deep, deep dark side of the human race!

  4. Martin says:

    Funny shit! He’s tha muthafuckin creep!

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