Tis the Season

Vinnie The Creep

December 29th, 2011

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The season.” What does that mean? From Thanksgiving to Christmas you hear people babbling about the season. Everyone is all smiles and chip chip cheerio. Let me get the door for you sir. Why, thank you. People decorate their houses with pretty twinkly lights and buy trees from strangers in parking lots. Co-workers at multiply offices across the world have parties and exchange presents. You hear a soft whisper spread across the land saying, “Satan.” I mean Santa. Wow, there is a striking resemblance in those two words. Coincidence? Mmm…

Most traditional parents teach their children of this magical fat man who breaks into your home through your chimney to give you all the wonderful things you desired this year and all the dumb bullshit you will donate to thrift stores next year. He is so magical that he travels by reindeer, reindeer who are led by a head reindeer with a bright red nose to navigate this group of burglars from home to home. This is a pretty hard story to swallow. Try explaining this to your retarded cousin… Well Zach, I know that we don’t have a chimney and stop trying to swallow your tongue. 

Cellular companies have a lot of audacity to come out with commercials that imply that Santa uses a cell phone to alleviate the burden of his job. Is that remotely realistic? What did he do for the first several hundred years? It would be more realistic for cell phone commercials to portray Santa using his phone for sexting or making a phone call to Jerry Sandusky. He looks like a creep, let’s face it… His public representatives sit in malls across America surrounded by the pageantry of the season with people dressed up as elves urging your children to sit on “Santa’s” lap while they whisper back and forth to one another. Take it from me, this same gimmick does not work in August… you might draw some harsh criticism for trying it.

What happens when the season is over? What the fuck does Santa do? Does he work for the IRS, looking over the naughty and nice parents who underminded him during the season? Is he a talent scout for Chippendales? That one is for you ladies. I don’t know what it is about him though… I rally behind him. He gets me in the mood to give crack heads “49 cent” in BP parking lots. I can’t explain it, but they sold me… Satan gets the thumbs up… You know what I mean.

We know what happens to the people. People change. The guy doesn’t hold the door for that schmuck. The lights come down and reality sets back in. The charity roller coaster runs out of steam… People go back to normal. They are so focused on themselves, that they start worrying about ” New Year’s resolutions.”  Oh, you hear it every year as it comes to a close. What’s your New Year’s resolution? No one ever asked you, ” What’s your New April resolution?” That is because it is a loaded question. The more outlandish the goal, the cooler you are in front of your friends. I’m going to kick my 17 year old alcohol problem. No D.U.I. for me this year. Haha, you crazy over-achiever. Aim high F-unit, aim high.

Most people should not be taken seriously when it comes to this famous question. Personally, I set goals for myself every day. Like this famous goal, don’t lose it. It is simple and almost realistic. Pretty self-explanatory. This year, I won’t consider a resolution. I did stuff like that when I was a kid, every year I vowed to lose my virginity. After clearing that hurdle, I was one of those unfortunate people who set some pretty dumb resloutions like quit smoking and losing weight and slow down on my annual number of “hit and runs.” Since those days, I have grown up. 

Every day is important. A new year is nothing special. It is sad “the majority” have to wait for a season to be kind to each other. Perhaps peace could be achieved if people didn’t let their opinion change because there is a lack of a mythical fat man and some wreaths. If keeping sparkling lights up all year would keep people in the mood to be civil and caring toward their fellow man then I would do it. It is crazy the emphasis is expressed in the year and not the hour. Time is fleeting. In February, I will be 9490 days old. It makes me feel pretty fucking wise. Give thanks for every day and love the people around you. All of them. We are not guarenteed anything, so be grateful for everything.

Happy January 1st dear reader. Sweet dreams.




One Comment

  1. White says:

    Nice shout out to The Fred. Be sure to tune back for an updated bio on F-Unit! Thanks Creep for making me laugh!!

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